Social interactions often put us on the defensive. When we encounter new individuals, our primary concern usually revolves around the impression we may leave behind. This anxiety can cloud our judgment, preventing us from realizing that the other party is likely feeling the same way. A recent study conducted by Erica J. Boothby and published on September 5 in Psychological Science uncovers a fascinating insight: people frequently hold a much more favorable view of us in initial meetings than we tend to believe.

We often expend excessive—some might say unhealthy—amounts of energy worrying about how we are perceived. While we lack a true understanding of our social presence, we constantly create a metaperception of ourselves, reflecting how we believe we come across. This study indicates, however, that we are often rather harsh in our self-assessments.

The “liking gap”

The findings reveal a notable disconnect in mutual perceptions during first encounters, but it isn’t what one might expect. The experiments suggest that both individuals generally think positively of each other, yet each one believes they are perceived negatively. This creates a humorous imbalance, resulting in a significant discrepancy between how we view ourselves and how we believe others view us.

Co-author Margaret S. Clark shares with YaleNews, “We refer to this phenomenon as a ‘liking gap,’ which can impede our ability to forge new relationships.” She elaborates, “Individuals are often so preoccupied with their own concerns about what to say or how they might have come across that they overlook signs of the other person’s appreciation for them, which observers of the conversation can easily detect.”

Since both parties tend to assume they are less liked than they truly are, “We adopt a self-protective pessimism, hesitating to assume that the other person appreciates us until we have concrete evidence.” This mindset complicates social interactions more than necessary, potentially squandering opportunities for enjoyment. Later, “We scrutinize our actions, regretting if we didn’t deliver a joke smoothly or worrying about whether our comments could be perceived as boastful.”

The experiments

Boothby and her team conducted a series of experiments to explore this dynamic.

Experiment 1a: Is There a Liking Gap?

In this initial study, the researchers recruited 36 participants from the Yale community, consisting of 72.2 percent females and 27.8 percent males. The average age of participants was 23.25 years, with a standard deviation of 6.12 years.

Each participant was paired with a same-sex partner, equipped with ice-breaking questions to facilitate conversation. They were seated beside each other at a large table and instructed to chat for five minutes until a researcher returned. The conversation was recorded on a computer equipped with a large analog clock to help them manage their time. Afterward, participants were separated and asked to rate their agreement with eight statements: four gauged how much they liked their conversation partner, while the other four assessed how much they believed they were liked in return. The findings indicated that people significantly underestimate how much others appreciate them after a short interaction, coining this the “liking gap.”

A follow-up experiment, 1b, aimed to confirm whether participants were signaling their approval during their conversations. While the researchers noted clear signals of mutual liking, they observed that participants were not accurately interpreting these signals. Study 2 sought to delve into the reasons behind the liking gap, having same-sex pairs engage in conversations without icebreakers. The results indicated that participants harbored more negative thoughts about how they were perceived compared to the positive views they held of their partners, leading to the false belief that their conversation companions did not like them.

In Study 3, researchers discovered that the liking gap persisted across conversations of varying lengths, with participants consistently underestimating how much their partners liked them. Study 4 examined the liking gap in real-world contexts, revealing that participants underestimated how interesting their conversation partners found them, both prior to and following their discussions. Finally, Study 5 assessed the long-term implications of the liking gap and found that it remained significant over the course of a year, underscoring the critical role of first impressions in relationship development.

In summary, this research highlights our tendency to underestimate how much we are liked by others, emphasizing the importance of initial interactions in shaping our perceptions and relationships. So, the next time you meet someone new, remember that they are likely just as concerned about your opinion of them as you are about theirs.